When a Loved One is Going Through a Living Hell,
and There is Nothing You Can do About it.
Someone that is dear to me, is going through a living hell, and there is nothing I can do about it. For one, it is all about his life and his choices, and involves issues that have nothing to do with me. He is so overloaded with so many burdens that he has to tackle them one at a time. All I can do is take care of myself.
For a year I gave him a lot of support and it helped. There reached a point though when I could not be of anymore help because there were things he needed to do that I had no control or influence over.
As a helper and healer, I sought the input of colleagues and friends. Much of the feedback I got was really helpful. I was on a mission to answer a deep question for myself. What does one do when someone you love is hurting deeply, and you are powerless to help? He is in fact in so much pain, that he often completely isolates himself.
Certain colleagues reached their peak skill level with me as I went deep to answer this question. So, I sought more sophisticated people with greater skills. In the end, I learned a lot about how to shift my own energy in order to stay productive as my loved one struggled through his muck. I was already doing a great job of not being co-dependent, but I needed more momentum in and around me. To not feel energetically stuck as well. He and I were emotionally bonded. I could literally feel his suffering and I felt helpless.
About 20% of the advice and feedback I got was almost ridiculous. From “you will meet someone soon who will be a good distraction for you, and he will be complete in many ways, except he will have problem kids!” BUZZZER! Baaaaa! NO! That was a big fat no for me. Not interested in taking on a stranger’s set of problem kids. Another said “I see you meeting an R. Kelly Type and he will be great for you.” Um yea, NO! I love his music, not interested in dating him. Another yelled to “Just Move On and forget about him!” Um no compassion and bad counseling skills. Another accused me of being a sex and love addict and needing to immediately go to a 12 step meeting. Uhhhh, no! I went to an AA meeting to learn about it, and it did confirm that I was doing the right thing by not getting involved in my dear friend’s problems. But I knew that the people hurting at those meetings could not answer my question either. Sure there would be camaraderie and support, but that is not what I was seeking. I was seeking a specific answer. That was, ‘how do you support someone energetically from afar? And how do you shift the energy around the situation when there are few tangible options?’
Are we not allowed to miss someone whom we care about, who is in tremendous pain? The rub is that if you have a loved one in severe emotional pain and you cannot help them, then what do you do?
The answer is you surround yourself with kind, supportive, skilled, and helpful people and you take extremely good care of yourself.
Even though I know how to do some energy work, I needed someone to help me shift my own energy in a massive way. So that I was not so worried about my friend. This was one of the most effective things I did and I learned a new skill level for myself.
You do not jump on Match.com, you do not look for panaceas. You do not listen to negative people. You keep searching for answers, and good support. You eat well, sleep well, walk, tell jokes, watch funny videos, and pray.
If you are going through something like this, find an energy worker or come see me. Elevate your skill level on how to shift and clear your own energy. Do that on an energetic level for yourself and your loved one, and you keep attending to yourself and the things you need to get done. Just keep doing this. Things will shift organically.